Thanks to Annie Oakley/Pippi Longstocking/Howdy Doody for hostessing. No thanks to Exercise Barbie for leaving us wondering where her clothes went.
Nope, no room in here! And it's not her cards she's concerned about, it's her cleavage.
nor in here! I'm never washing this leotard.
Mandy, we went through this discussion last week.
Let's think now... gimpy needs to run a marathon, I need to wear this bodysuit, and you need to host.
Hey Barbie, that's a lot of friggin meat!
The poor guy was probably like, "Where's the meat"?
Stop talking about the meat, that's the second time she's been down there tonight...
...and "NO!!!" I will not have sex with you.
Oh, it's my turn... I paid it already; I'm not paying again! Matey, will it fit around?
I jazzercize; you'll be jazzercizing when you get home. Get some kahooonas - you can't fit them in the spandex, can you? Speaking of which, has anybody seen mine?
Ever since I've met you, I've wanted to sidepot you.
I'm just playing with Robin's money.
I bought this leotard at Goodwill; I washed it seven times. Leigh Mai Chan, that doesn't mean you should stop washing it after you wear it!
Hold on, I'm gonna burn something in just a sec.
Who lets these women take care of the kids?
I found more than these chips under the table.
Please, don't tell, I'm a soccer mom!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Poker Season Begins - Towel Protects the "Innocent"
Monday, May 4, 2009
Notes on a Spanish Harlem Mamacita Margarita Bonita Fajita
Vote to the Right---------------------------->>>>>>>>>>>
Quiz Questions:
Q. What do dirty mexicans and horny girls NOT have in common?
A. I'll give you a hint: one of them doesn't go to Mcauley!
Q. Who's more formidable, Public Enemy Number One or Two?
Q. Do L.S. and J.S. sail?
A. They don't sail, they motorboat. You motorboatin' son of a b*&%#, you old sailor, you!
The Pride of Concord meets Fairfield's Finest
Jersey Expat
Prudence may have "never been in this position before"but K.L. knows more than her fair share about who is required for the sleeve, sterilizing finger cuffs, and how to "throw him a bone". Speaking of kinky...
...and mamacita wasn't even at Leslee's bonfire to see it!
Meanwhile, at the poker table, L.S. "still has more than you thoooooooo" and Boston wants to know "alright, do we git any cahds"? But cheer up, sleepy Jean. We had newbies hustling, but Prudence still had to "beat this b$%&#" (language, girls!). Unfortunately, she was still on Yahtzee rules and got her chili peppers cooked by Public Enemy Numero Uno.
Arriba! Arriba! says Marie...AH! ...in the newest version of the happy dance (tossing her head side to side, like a Pour Some Sugar on Me video audition.Thank God she's such a great mathematician!
And now, a special edition of "How to Spot a Cheater":
And, of course, we have those who just can't seem to leave mommy duty at home (Big Red has NO problems in this area!): Peek-a-Boo, I see you!Nap Time???
Prudence, meet Innocence (I give the latter a month. The former is a liar)
Prudence wants it (PEno1 should have stuck her chin out)
La-La-Looooosers!
Ttfn, it's been fun, hope Maria doesn't feel a burden because Chimichanga's kids have taped up holes in their shoes. Houdini and Copperfield, I don't know how you eluded my camera, but GET READY because we will get you next time! Thanks to our all-time dealer!!!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
It was a Crazy Game of Poker (1/5)
Pink Ladies, Big Red, and Little Thingys. If these don’t mean anything to you, then you probably missed the Showdown last night. Who ever said that 6 girls, $5, 3 alter egos, 1 gallon of vodka, 2 bottles of champagne, and 3 Rolling Rocks couldn’t provide entertainment for an evening?
And some burning questions were resolved through the course of the evening, to prove that intellect and fun are not mutually exclusive. Monique exposed that you don’t have to have to have dreads to be rasta, the Red Rocket proved that it’s okay to be fashionably late, provided you come dressed to impress, and Rodeo, well, Rodeo reminded us that cowgirl hats and purple boas can be classy.
The Game
Robin emerged as the early leader, using the age-old, highly technical strategy, “Can I get out now”?
Jen proved herself a hustler when she forced Monique and Rodeo “All In”, sending both of them to the Loser’s Lounge to hang in style with none other than P Diddy.
Leslee, Robin, and Jen toggled as chip leader, with Michelle maintaining a solid pile. A case of the “I gotta go’s” from Michelle gave Rodeo a Second Shot of Love with Holdem.
The other Loser’s Lounge inhabitant took over Jen’s chips, and ended up in a chip battle with the feisty and competitive Red Baron. In an ironic twist of fate, the first to the Loser’s Lounge ended up as the last (wo)man standing, when the hostess pulled a flush and won the pot, sending Leigh home so her husband could say “Talk Dirty to Me”.
Today, I am left with an empty liquor cabinet, mild headache, and a nest of purple feathers where the birthday girl made her nest. And I can’t wait to do it again!!!
And some burning questions were resolved through the course of the evening, to prove that intellect and fun are not mutually exclusive. Monique exposed that you don’t have to have to have dreads to be rasta, the Red Rocket proved that it’s okay to be fashionably late, provided you come dressed to impress, and Rodeo, well, Rodeo reminded us that cowgirl hats and purple boas can be classy.
The Game
Robin emerged as the early leader, using the age-old, highly technical strategy, “Can I get out now”?
Jen proved herself a hustler when she forced Monique and Rodeo “All In”, sending both of them to the Loser’s Lounge to hang in style with none other than P Diddy.
Leslee, Robin, and Jen toggled as chip leader, with Michelle maintaining a solid pile. A case of the “I gotta go’s” from Michelle gave Rodeo a Second Shot of Love with Holdem.
The other Loser’s Lounge inhabitant took over Jen’s chips, and ended up in a chip battle with the feisty and competitive Red Baron. In an ironic twist of fate, the first to the Loser’s Lounge ended up as the last (wo)man standing, when the hostess pulled a flush and won the pot, sending Leigh home so her husband could say “Talk Dirty to Me”.
Today, I am left with an empty liquor cabinet, mild headache, and a nest of purple feathers where the birthday girl made her nest. And I can’t wait to do it again!!!
Monday, December 22, 2008
And the rules are...
Texas Holdem is a community card game, meaning that some cards are dealt face up in the middle of the table and shared by all players. Each player is dealt two pocket or hole cards which they consider with the five community cards to make the best possible five-card hand.
The person who is dealt last is regarded as the dealer and as such is marked with a dealer button. At the end of the hand the button is passed clockwise to the next player.
Blinds Placement
Most hands of poker begin by some form of forced betting. This is to ensure that there is action with every hand. Hold'em is played with two blinds (a bet before the pocket cards are received). The two players to the left of the dealer start with placing blind bets. The small blind is posted by the first player and the big blind by the second. The big blind is always the minimum bet at the table and the small blind is half. During a betting round, each player in turn takes one of the following actions:
Bet
Put money in the pot
Call
To match/equal another player's bet
Fold
Forfeit cards and your chance of winning the pot
Check
Passing on making an action(if no bet is in play)
Raise
To increase another player's bet
Re-Raise
To increase another player's raise
First Round - The Pre Flop, Dealing The Cards
When the blind bets are placed, the dealer gives out two cards to each player. The dealer deals clockwise. The two cards are called "hole cards" or "pocket cards".
After this the players choose if they would like to make a bet. The person after the big blind starts. In the first round you cannot "Check", but you can do any of the following: Bet, Call, Raise or Fold. All players shall put the same amount in for the game in order to continue. So if one player raises, the other players must either call or re-raise, or fold (drop out of the round).
Second Round - The Flop
Dealer turns three cards on the table - the Flop. These three cards are community cards and can be used in combination with the two hidden cards each player has in his/her hand.
The remaining players now start the second round of bidding. The first player to the left of the dealer starts the bidding round. The following actions can now be taken: Check, Bet/Raise, Call or Fold.
All players must put the same amount into the pot, or fold before the round has ended.
The same rules apply for both the bidding and the raising in each round from now on.
Third Round - The Turn
The dealer now displays the fourth community card on the table, so all players have six cards to play with. A round of betting now takes place.
Fourth and Final Round - The River
The fifth and last community card on the table is displayed. A round of betting now takes place.
The Showdown
In all, five of the seven cards can be used. This means that each player can form the best possible five-card hand from their two hole cards and the five community cards on the table. You don't even have to use any of your own cards if you don't want to. You can "play the board" if the best hand is shown there. The remaining players now show their cards, and the winner is found. If a player shows his/her cards and you are not able to beat these cards, you choose yourself if you want to show your cards or not.
Rating of The Hands
1.Royal flush- The highest poker hand. It consists of AKQJT all in the same suit. As all suits are equal, all royal flushes are equal.
2.Straight flush - Five cards of the same suit in sequence, such as 76543 of hearts. The ace can play low to make 5432A, the lowest straight flush.
3.Four of a kind - Four cards of the same rank accompanied by a "kicker", like 44442. Ranked by the quads, so that 44442 beats 3333K.
4.Full house - Three cards of one rank accompanied by two of another, such as 777JJ. Ranked by the trips, so that 44422 beats 333AA.
5.Flush - Five cards of the same suit, such as AJ942 of hearts. Ranked by the top card, and then by the next card, so that AJ942 beats AJ876.
6.Straight - Five cards in sequence, such as 76543. The ace plays either high or low, making AKQJT and 5432A.
7.Three of a kindThree cards of the same rank and two kickers of different ranks, such as KKK84. Ranked by the trips, so that KKK84 beats QQQAK, but QQQAK beats QQQA7.
8.Two pair Two cards of one rank, two cards of another rank and a kicker of a third rank, such as KK449. Ranked by the top pair, then the bottom pair and finally the kicker, so that KK449 beats any of QQJJA, KK22Q, and KK445.
9.One pair - Two cards of one rank accompanied by three kickers of different ranks, such as AAK53. Ranked by the pair, followed by each kicker in turn, so that AAK53 beats AAK52.
10.High card - Any hand that does not qualify as one of the better handsabove, such as KJ542 of mixed suits. Ranked by the top card, then thesecond card and so on, as for flushes.
Suits are not used to break ties, nor are cards beyond the fifth; only the best five cards in each hand are used in the comparison. In the case of a tie, the pot is split equally among the winning hands.
Online Poker Chat Abbreviations nh - Nice hand vnh - Very nice hand gg - Good going lol - Laugh out loud ty - Thank you wp - Well played
Texas Hold 'em Odds
Flush (all cards in the same suit): If you hold a four to a flush, the chance of making the flush, either on the turn or the river, is 35.0%.
Open-ended Straight (e.g. 5678 where you need a 4 or a 9): The chance of making a straight, either on the turn or the river, is 31.5%.
Inside Straight (e.g. 4578 where you need a 6): The chance of making an inside straight, either on the turn or the river, is 16.5%.
Trips (three of a kind): The chance of making trips with a flopped pair, either on the turn or the river, is 8.4%.
Starting Hand Value
Your two pocket cards, or hole cards, are the only factors that separate your hand from the other players' hands. So learning how to play them is vital. An AA (ace-ace) combo simply has a much greater chance of winning than say a 7-3 combo. Play the good starting hands. Fold the bad. Combinations can however change between good and bad (and back) according to your position in the game. See "Position Play" below.
Top 20 Best Starting Hands
1. AA
11. ATs
2. KK
12. KJs
3. QQ
13. AQ
4. JJ
14. 99
5. AKs
15. QJs
6. TT
16. KTs
7. AQs
17. 88
8. AJs
18. QTs
9. AK
19. A9s
10. KQs
20. AJ
The "s" means suited, both cards in the same suit, always better than unsuited.
Position Play
In a poker game being seated in "late position" is a huge advantage. In this position you get to see your opponents make their moves before you make yours. To become a good player one must learn to take full advantage of playing in late position.
Fold
No matter the betting round, if you have nothing and can't draw to anything, fold faster than Superman on laundry day, if you don't feel like bluffing of course!
The person who is dealt last is regarded as the dealer and as such is marked with a dealer button. At the end of the hand the button is passed clockwise to the next player.
Blinds Placement
Most hands of poker begin by some form of forced betting. This is to ensure that there is action with every hand. Hold'em is played with two blinds (a bet before the pocket cards are received). The two players to the left of the dealer start with placing blind bets. The small blind is posted by the first player and the big blind by the second. The big blind is always the minimum bet at the table and the small blind is half. During a betting round, each player in turn takes one of the following actions:
Bet
Put money in the pot
Call
To match/equal another player's bet
Fold
Forfeit cards and your chance of winning the pot
Check
Passing on making an action(if no bet is in play)
Raise
To increase another player's bet
Re-Raise
To increase another player's raise
First Round - The Pre Flop, Dealing The Cards
When the blind bets are placed, the dealer gives out two cards to each player. The dealer deals clockwise. The two cards are called "hole cards" or "pocket cards".
After this the players choose if they would like to make a bet. The person after the big blind starts. In the first round you cannot "Check", but you can do any of the following: Bet, Call, Raise or Fold. All players shall put the same amount in for the game in order to continue. So if one player raises, the other players must either call or re-raise, or fold (drop out of the round).
Second Round - The Flop
Dealer turns three cards on the table - the Flop. These three cards are community cards and can be used in combination with the two hidden cards each player has in his/her hand.
The remaining players now start the second round of bidding. The first player to the left of the dealer starts the bidding round. The following actions can now be taken: Check, Bet/Raise, Call or Fold.
All players must put the same amount into the pot, or fold before the round has ended.
The same rules apply for both the bidding and the raising in each round from now on.
Third Round - The Turn
The dealer now displays the fourth community card on the table, so all players have six cards to play with. A round of betting now takes place.
Fourth and Final Round - The River
The fifth and last community card on the table is displayed. A round of betting now takes place.
The Showdown
In all, five of the seven cards can be used. This means that each player can form the best possible five-card hand from their two hole cards and the five community cards on the table. You don't even have to use any of your own cards if you don't want to. You can "play the board" if the best hand is shown there. The remaining players now show their cards, and the winner is found. If a player shows his/her cards and you are not able to beat these cards, you choose yourself if you want to show your cards or not.
Rating of The Hands
1.Royal flush- The highest poker hand. It consists of AKQJT all in the same suit. As all suits are equal, all royal flushes are equal.
2.Straight flush - Five cards of the same suit in sequence, such as 76543 of hearts. The ace can play low to make 5432A, the lowest straight flush.
3.Four of a kind - Four cards of the same rank accompanied by a "kicker", like 44442. Ranked by the quads, so that 44442 beats 3333K.
4.Full house - Three cards of one rank accompanied by two of another, such as 777JJ. Ranked by the trips, so that 44422 beats 333AA.
5.Flush - Five cards of the same suit, such as AJ942 of hearts. Ranked by the top card, and then by the next card, so that AJ942 beats AJ876.
6.Straight - Five cards in sequence, such as 76543. The ace plays either high or low, making AKQJT and 5432A.
7.Three of a kindThree cards of the same rank and two kickers of different ranks, such as KKK84. Ranked by the trips, so that KKK84 beats QQQAK, but QQQAK beats QQQA7.
8.Two pair Two cards of one rank, two cards of another rank and a kicker of a third rank, such as KK449. Ranked by the top pair, then the bottom pair and finally the kicker, so that KK449 beats any of QQJJA, KK22Q, and KK445.
9.One pair - Two cards of one rank accompanied by three kickers of different ranks, such as AAK53. Ranked by the pair, followed by each kicker in turn, so that AAK53 beats AAK52.
10.High card - Any hand that does not qualify as one of the better handsabove, such as KJ542 of mixed suits. Ranked by the top card, then thesecond card and so on, as for flushes.
Suits are not used to break ties, nor are cards beyond the fifth; only the best five cards in each hand are used in the comparison. In the case of a tie, the pot is split equally among the winning hands.
Online Poker Chat Abbreviations nh - Nice hand vnh - Very nice hand gg - Good going lol - Laugh out loud ty - Thank you wp - Well played
Texas Hold 'em Odds
Flush (all cards in the same suit): If you hold a four to a flush, the chance of making the flush, either on the turn or the river, is 35.0%.
Open-ended Straight (e.g. 5678 where you need a 4 or a 9): The chance of making a straight, either on the turn or the river, is 31.5%.
Inside Straight (e.g. 4578 where you need a 6): The chance of making an inside straight, either on the turn or the river, is 16.5%.
Trips (three of a kind): The chance of making trips with a flopped pair, either on the turn or the river, is 8.4%.
Starting Hand Value
Your two pocket cards, or hole cards, are the only factors that separate your hand from the other players' hands. So learning how to play them is vital. An AA (ace-ace) combo simply has a much greater chance of winning than say a 7-3 combo. Play the good starting hands. Fold the bad. Combinations can however change between good and bad (and back) according to your position in the game. See "Position Play" below.
Top 20 Best Starting Hands
1. AA
11. ATs
2. KK
12. KJs
3. QQ
13. AQ
4. JJ
14. 99
5. AKs
15. QJs
6. TT
16. KTs
7. AQs
17. 88
8. AJs
18. QTs
9. AK
19. A9s
10. KQs
20. AJ
The "s" means suited, both cards in the same suit, always better than unsuited.
Position Play
In a poker game being seated in "late position" is a huge advantage. In this position you get to see your opponents make their moves before you make yours. To become a good player one must learn to take full advantage of playing in late position.
Fold
No matter the betting round, if you have nothing and can't draw to anything, fold faster than Superman on laundry day, if you don't feel like bluffing of course!
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